Deleted Scene 1B Brent calls his Agent No Smoke EFX
Brent’s Apartment, Kitchen
(Brent puts bagel in toaster, a call he had placed on his speaker phone is ringing)
MAN ON PHONE: Good morning! Innovative Talent.
BRENT: Uh… could I speak to Jerry, please?
MAN ON PHONE: Ah…may I ask who’s calling?
BRENT: Brent Spiner.
MAN ON PHONE: I’m sorry?
BRENT: BRENT SPINER!
MAN ON PHONE: Ooooh! I’m sorry, Brent. Jerry’s no longer at the agency.
MAN ON PHONE: Kenny’s gonna be handling you now.
BRENT: Kenny? I don’t know any Kenny.
MAN ON PHONE: Putting you through to Kenny right now.
BRENT: (exasperated sigh)
(tones of phone being dialed, ringing — a voice with an obvious Indian accent answers)
KENNY: (on phone) Thank you for calling. My name is Kenny. What is your complaint, please?
BRENT: Compl… uh… stuh… (sigh) This is Brent Spiner.
KENNY: Yes, Mr. Spiner.
BRENT: I was told you’re my agent.
KENNY: One second. (sound of furiously quick typing) That is correct, sir! I am also informing you that this call may be recorded for training purposes.
BRENT: Uh, uh… eh. Where are you, Kenny?
KENNY: I’m in Mumbai, sir! Well… technically, the suburbs.
KENNY: Yes, sir! … Spell your name for me?
BRENT: (pause) ‘B’… uh, uh, uh… (sigh)… Kenny, uh, you know what? I don’t think this is gonna work out.
(Brent reacts to smoke pouring from toaster — which was to be added with special effects later)
BRENT: Uh. OH! OH! (rushes to toaster) My… gah… my… MY BAGEL’S ON FIRE!!!!
KENNY: I beg your pardon, sir? I’m not familiar with this show business term. Oooh, God.
BRENT: No, no, no! My, uh… my… THE TOASTER IS BURNING MY BAGEL!!!
KENNY: What type of toaster is it, sir?
BRENT: Uh… IT‘S A CRIPPS… SERIES 3!!!
KENNY: Hold, please! (sound of furiously fast typing again)
(Brent waves smoke away from toaster)
KENNY: Sir, you cannot put a bagel in this toaster. It was not built to accommodate the thickness of a bagel … come closer.
(Brent looks up, takes a step towards the phone, stops)
KENNY: Closer still.
(Brent takes another step, leans in to listen)
KENNY: I am risking much by telling you this. I can get you a new toaster if it is under warranty… but you cannot tell them you put a bagel into a Series 3. You must tell them… it was veet toast. Do you understand? Veet toast!
BRENT: (confused) Veet toast?
KENNY: VEET TOAST!
BRENT: (Oh!) Wheat toast.
KENNY: If I can get your toaster replaced… can I be your agent, sir?
KENNY: Transferring you now, sir. (tones of phone being dialed)
(Brent is distracted by a knock on the door as a flat Indian voice answers the phone)
RANDY: (on phone) Hello, my name is Randy. What is the model of your toaster?
BRENT: It’s a Cripps, Series 3.
RANDY: What is the problem, sir?
BRENT: It’s smoking.
RANDY: Did you put a bagel in it?
(someone knocks on his door again)
Deleted Scene 2B Dakota persuades Brent
(Dakota stands outside, talking through Brent’s door)
DAKOTA: It’s gonna be full of… agents… and I…
(Brent opens the door, grabs her arm)
(he quickly pulls her inside, closes door)
BRENT: Alright. Here’s the way it works. You don’t tell anyone beforehand that I’m your scene partner. At least not… not until “The Incident” has blown over.
DAKOTA: Deal. (she jumps in front of Brent as he walks away) So… you’ll do it?
BRENT: I would be honored, Dakota. (he bows)
(she squeals with delight, shakes his hand)
BRENT: Yeah, what’s the play?
DAKOTA: What play?
BRENT: There’s not a pla… uh… oh, God. Is it porn?
DAKOTA: No, even better. It’s a lost episode of Friends.
BRENT: By “lost” do you mean it’s a spec script that nobody wanted to buy?
DAKOTA: Yes, exactly. The guy in the laundry room said I could use it… free.
BRENT: Oh good! At least it wasn’t from a stranger.
DAKOTA: Oh no, he was a total sweetie. Although, half of my panties did go missing afterwards.
BRENT: (softly) Let’s rehearse.
Fresh Hell — outtakes
(1) 3:19 on video
Brent’s Apartment, Interior
BRENT: Come on in! (waving her in) Come on in! Yeah.
DAKOTA: (nervous giggle) Um… I… was just wondering if you would run some lines with me?
(he closes the door, tries to stand his baseball bat against the wall)
BRENT: Well, good for you, Dakota!
(we hear the baseball bat hit the floor, Brent jumps a little)
(2) 3:31 on video
(Brent is on the floor with Kat (Dakota), sound of furniture being dragged off camera)
BRENT: [I think he says - “I’ll cheat. Right here.” - but it‘s unclear] It’s just, I’m trying to get my head and all my reactions in the camera.
(3) 3:40 on video
Theater Stage, as before
KAT STEEL (Dakota): It’s true.
MAN OFF CAMERA: False sound. (unclear what was said)
BRENT: It won’t ultimately be that… it’ll be “The Kat Steel Project”… it’s been a…
KAT STEEL (Dakota): My day has come!
(4) 3:47 on video
BRIAN PALERMO (Tommy): Yeah. You see, I’m out there on the edge, every day, on the cutting edge… and my business is gonna … (fumbles line) … I’m out tho… ah.
DIRECTOR: Let’s go back to the…
BRIAN PALERMO (Tommy): Yeah, yeah! Hell allo! How ‘bout that? Hey! Hey!
(5) 3:56 on video
DIRECTOR: (off camera): Action.
(Tommy sits on desk, a knock on door, Brent enters)
TOMMY: Hey ! Hey! There he is! My favorite alien!
(phone starts ringing, interrupts scene)
BRENT: (shaking hands) Tommy.
DIRECTOR: Ahh, that’s a cut.
(6) 4:05 on video
BRENT: I’m outta here. I’m sorry.
(Brent walks off camera)
BRENT: You know what? That is the weirdest penis I’ve ever seen.
TOMMY: (looks down at penis, up at Brent) Just trying to be hurtful. (strokes his penis gently, talks to it) It’s okay, Robespierre.
DIRECTOR: And that’s a cut!
(7) 4:27 on video
BRENT: (off camera) That’s the weirdest penis I’ve ever seen.